Thursday, July 5, 2007

Three Musketeers Mint Part Une + Milky Way Crispy Rolls

Here's the unspoken dilly-o on the chocolatey nougat candy bar scale:
1. Three Musketeers (sans mint) - Bo-Ring
2. Milky Way (sans rolls) - Meh
3. Snickers - Groovy! It's amazing how the addition of peanuts skyrockets the quality of a candy

Now, you'd think that someone would have uncovered the secret revelation that just because the first two items are so popular does not mean they are very tasty. Candy manufactures try again and again to offer fun new flavors and the public thinks "Naw, I'd rather eat an unidentified, nearly tasteless substance covered in chocolate than experience the true art that novelty versions of this candy provide." For example, when one adds mint to Three Musketeers? Thow away your delicious Andes mints from Olive Garden and say hello to an entire bar of chocolate and minty goodness perfectly proportioned. In fact, as you eat it, you realize that all you really want to do with your life is eat more of it. And while that may be the same feeling many of you get with Andes, with Three Musketeers, there is no fussing with those crinkly green wrappers for less than a mouthful of chocolate mint ecstasy.

Oh, and don't let them fool you about Milky Way Crispy Rolls. Some will tell you that these twin wafer cylinders filled with buttercream and dipped in chocolate are not available in the U.S., but this is a myth! A myth I tell you! Why, just the other day I popped into an Acme in Akron, Ohio and found them sitting innocently on the shelf. So I bought them, devoured one, offered the other in exchange for half a Three Musketeers Mint to Ryan, and smiled. A lot. It made me feel British without all the bad teeth (although if these are available in droves there, as they say, I can see why the English dentists must make a fortune).

So, dear readers, please support the novelty candy industry at home and abroad. Save the nation from crappy generic candy and maybe Jesus will love you.

Three Musketeers Mint:

Four clumps of unidentfied goop out of five

Milky Way Crispy Rolls:

Four kilos of the metric system out of five

No comments: