Thursday, August 9, 2007

Peanut BEtter

You know how you suddenly get this wild urge to listen to a band you haven't heard in a year? And you tear apart your room looking for the CD only to discover it's in your glove box? Covered in melted wax from God knows what? Yeah, that's what happened to me this week. I can't get into live CDs, yet Matt Nathanson's At the Point always has me smiling even though 98% of the songs are about breaking up and being depressed. But Matt makes that fun! So, there was this unknown gunk on my CD which I washed off, but was left with scratches and leftover gunk. All my washing would not save my CD (which is one of the few I have not backed up on the computer - duh). I vaguely recalled someone suggesting peanut butter to revive broken CDs. It may seem ridiculous, but I was willing to try anything. After all, this is MATT NATHANSON! Live! And still awesome! So I took out some of my peanut butter, slathered it on the CD and rinsed it off.
Peanut butter is miraculous. Not only does it taste yummy with jelly, chocolate, pretzels and more peanut butter, but it saved my Matt Nathanson CD! I honor you, peanut butter and all your surprising ways. Now to see if it can fix Matt's broken heart.

Peanut butter gets five out of five Peanuts. Get it? Snoopy? Peanuts? Aw, forget it and just know that peanut butter is the shit.

Friday, July 20, 2007


This morning I walked outside and promptly walked back inside. I almost tripped over myself as I headed up two sets of stairs and back to my room. My roommate turned sleepily toward me.
"hmmmmmm.." she mumbled at me
I took this to be great interest in my excitement.
"I need a sweater!!!" I informed her, my eyes popping out of my head.
She was asleep.

I grabbed my warmest, comfiest wool sweater and headed out into the glorious morning.

So on this occasion... this 20th of July, 2007... the summery day on which it is approximately 66 degrees, I would like to celebrate Fall. Autumn is the season of perfect temperatures, brisk winds, apple butter and flattering clothing. Fall is by far the best season - that's best out of FOUR! - and having had a
glimpse of it this morning (I even spotted some stray leaves already on the ground) I must celebrate my love of Fall at all times of the year. And especially Halloween, but that deserves its own post.

Fall receives five blowing winds out
of five.

Thursday, July 5, 2007

3 Musketeers Mint with Dark Chocolate

What In The Sam Hell Is It?

Think of a York Peppermint Pattie... mmm... mmm... mmmmmade out of sausage.


Now take that York Peppermint Sausage Pattie in your mind, break it in two, and roll into links.

At this point you should be picturing York Peppermint Sausage Links. Two of them. And your hand should be slimy (yet minty) from all that rolling.

Got it?

Okay, now take a magical straw (if you don't have a magical straw, a crack pipe will work) and suck all the sausage out of those York Peppermint Sausage Links.

VERY IMPORTANT: DO NOT LET THE SAUSAGE TOUCH YOUR TONGUE OR THE INSIDE OF YOUR MOUTH! IT WILL BE HIGHLY TOXIC! If contact occurs, flush immediately and thoroughly with paint thinner. If you own plastic Biblical figurines, now would be a good time to lick them.

Dispose of the sausage at once. (I recommend throwing it at the side of a church. I videotaped a man throwing a pork sirloin roast at the side of a church once.
The sound of meat hitting buildings = Breathtaking.)

What remains?

The new 3 Musketeers Mint with Dark Chocolate bar(s)!

But Ryannnnn... Is It Good?

Sure it's good. Especially if you've ever found your mouth full of York Peppermint Pattie and all you can think is, "Why's the bastard gotta be so flat?"

Ryan's Rating

No points for originality. Lots of points for being a delicious rip-off.

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(3 1/2 Evil Swan Doilies out of 5 Evil Swan Doilies)

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The New 3 Musketeers Mint: a little bit swoopy.

Three Musketeers Mint Part Une + Milky Way Crispy Rolls

Here's the unspoken dilly-o on the chocolatey nougat candy bar scale:
1. Three Musketeers (sans mint) - Bo-Ring
2. Milky Way (sans rolls) - Meh
3. Snickers - Groovy! It's amazing how the addition of peanuts skyrockets the quality of a candy

Now, you'd think that someone would have uncovered the secret revelation that just because the first two items are so popular does not mean they are very tasty. Candy manufactures try again and again to offer fun new flavors and the public thinks "Naw, I'd rather eat an unidentified, nearly tasteless substance covered in chocolate than experience the true art that novelty versions of this candy provide." For example, when one adds mint to Three Musketeers? Thow away your delicious Andes mints from Olive Garden and say hello to an entire bar of chocolate and minty goodness perfectly proportioned. In fact, as you eat it, you realize that all you really want to do with your life is eat more of it. And while that may be the same feeling many of you get with Andes, with Three Musketeers, there is no fussing with those crinkly green wrappers for less than a mouthful of chocolate mint ecstasy.

Oh, and don't let them fool you about Milky Way Crispy Rolls. Some will tell you that these twin wafer cylinders filled with buttercream and dipped in chocolate are not available in the U.S., but this is a myth! A myth I tell you! Why, just the other day I popped into an Acme in Akron, Ohio and found them sitting innocently on the shelf. So I bought them, devoured one, offered the other in exchange for half a Three Musketeers Mint to Ryan, and smiled. A lot. It made me feel British without all the bad teeth (although if these are available in droves there, as they say, I can see why the English dentists must make a fortune).

So, dear readers, please support the novelty candy industry at home and abroad. Save the nation from crappy generic candy and maybe Jesus will love you.

Three Musketeers Mint:

Four clumps of unidentfied goop out of five

Milky Way Crispy Rolls:

Four kilos of the metric system out of five